Vicky, Cristina and Juan Antonio

This is Cristina. A woman so fucking boring that even she thinks she's fucking boring. Maybe she would have been fucking boring anyway, but, she is also portrayed by Scarlett Johansson, a really fucking boring actress. So, I cared not a whit about anything to do with Cristina.  However, I will say, it is fascinating to watch her impossibly high-set, cantalope-esque breasts dominate each scene that she's in. Also, her kinda largish ass. I must admit, her body is mesmerizing. But, my God, she better take care of that asset, because I don't see her rounding the bend with anything else.

Here's Vicky and Cristina. Vicky is even more boring then Cristina. Rebecca Hall plays Vicky. Hall is a solid actress who was a stand out in The Prestige, as well as Frost/Nixon. She's usually someone I like to watch. Here, she was just another stupid ass, boring woman making stupid ass boring mistakes. Was I supposed to believe that Juan Antonio was her one true love? Oh please. For a movie that was supposed to be about sex, and passion and love and heat and craziness and living wild and whatever it was supposed to be about...wow....were these women stupid and boring.

But wait...Here's Juan Antonio. Now, I am beginning to understand why the women end up with each other. This guy is a real snooze-fest.  He's a smooth operator, no doubt. He knows how to move in, break the ice, and get the women in bed with him. But, after that? Well...apparently, he can paint. He's a tortured artist or something. He's completely uninteresting, and, outside of the bedroom...limp. Yes, I know that Javier Bardem is hot....looking.  But, oddly, there is no real heat coming off this man. Not here anyway. When he and Scarlett go in for, what seemed an eternity of close up kissing, it just makes you want to get it over with. It's not sexy, it's not hot, and it didn't make me want to kiss either one of them....ever. Yes, yes, I know...they don't want to kiss me either, but that's not the point. They're on the screen together. They're supposed to be my fantasy. But, it just looks like his beard is scratching her face, and he just looks like he's worried Penelope is gonna kick his ass if he enjoys it for a minute.  This big love scene is just...painful.

Finally, after sitting through half the movie wondering when it's going to be funny, or charming, or sexy...in walks Maria Elena.

Thank God for small favors, I say. Penelope Cruz won an Oscar for her role here, and I don't disagree. I think she's fantastic. She brings the hot. She brings the crazy. She brings the unpredictable, and the fantasy that makes you say...oh, I 'd like to do that! And when she says she is the one with the talent and that Juan Antonio stole from her...it's obvious that is true. She's a person ruled by her passion. I finally see someone up there I want to hang out with!

And it matters not if you think she's attractive, or not. She's a fierce woman. When she's not on screen...I'm picking my nose, or thinking about what's for dinner. I take issue with Woody on a lot of the film's problems, especially that narration. Who the hell is that supposed to be? Just some disembodied random voice? I hate that shit! But, also, the way he filmed Miss Cruz. Her work, really had to find it's way to us. She had some beauty shots, of course, but whenever Maria Elena really got crazy, or lost her cool...the camera seemed to fear getting too close. Damn, that's when I wanted to get a better look. It seemed Woody kept his distance during Penelope's most brilliant bits. Odd.

I'd have to give Vicky Christina Barcelona a C...sorry Woody. If it's any consolation, it was better then Scoop. Let's hope his next one is a return to the old Woody. I hear from the grapevine it's very funny. Whatever Works...coming in June.